Break down

This is how the worst phase of my life looks like… Being an introvert and a cheerful person at the same time. Introvert, because that’s how I am since I know myself, cheerful, because I try to get over it , I try to distract my brain and also because many smiles depend on my smile.

Have you been injured so many times at the same place, same exact place, that your skin becomes really thick? Yeah, I instead felt like I lost my skin.

Do you see the moments, between the takes? Or Do you see my makeup hiding my pain? What do you see exactly?

Do you know when I am not laughing, I am crying alone? Do you know those moments, when I literally force myself to go on?

Have you seen lately I am becoming very loud? Or did u notice I am doing all that just before I break down?

Have I been complaining alot lately? Or, is it not enough to even begin describing my misery?

Do u know even when I am not at my best I am trying to cheer you up? Or, do you see the normal regular me having fun? Which one do you see?

Do you also mix yourself up in the crowd when you are sobbing? Do you see me sneak out when my tears are dribbling?

Have you wondered why out of all my falls , this time, this time I can’t seem to come around ? In the last one I had an option, now, now I cannot, I just cannot find my ground.

Can you not understand what I am going through ? Isn’t me spacing out between the talks enough to reach you?

Do you know it feels like hell inside my brain? Do you know all my efforts to put up are going in vain?

Do you remember last night after the party I was the last one to fall asleep? I ate more than what I usually eat , I danced all night, I sang a few songs , then I reached home and I was all alone, and then I bawled uncontrollably coz that’s what my soul needed the most.

You must know that I am trying really hard to understand this, God, only if I wasn’t playing this over and over in my head, how I wish!

What do you learn from what happens to you?

I am starting with this beautiful picture..

Have you ever wondered what life is trying to teach you in your difficult times? Have you ever wondered, why don’t things go as you plan ?

We usually try to make sense out of things which happen to us and try to think if that’s for good. It also occurs to me sometimes that nobody gave us a guarantee that the life is going to be all joyous and happy and will run according to your plans. Did someone say that? If yes, then I am here to tell you that it’s not true.

We assume that at the end everything will be fine. But that’s our assumption, or you can say that’s what we are taught in textbooks, in movies and by people. We live our entire life in hope. A hope that everything will be fine. Hope is a good thing to have but it’s equally important to know the reality, the truth about life. Truth stinks! But it also prepares us. It protects us from surprises which can hurt us.

But No matter how hard it becomes, no matter how many times you fall, you dust yourself off, you get up and you have to keep going. We don’t have the option of giving up.

Even though I Know all these things I am in that habit of finding some hidden meaning of the worst things that happen to me. My heart knows that I have to keep going because sooner or later I have to start. Because if not now then one day I will start and for that I have to be optimistic, hopeful.

Even though I fell, I crawled towards you. Even when I lost all the power, I took some help to reach you. When I lost all the help, I kept my vision clear. When I lost that vision, I was thinking of you. Now, it’s just me and your idea that lingers in my mind.

Tired and trying

Time heals a lot of things and honestly it did make me better in the past. But there are certain problems which just can’t be solved by the time. At that moment, don’t overthink take some time off to heal, to get better and start over. Just get started.

I was advised by many – “talk it out with your friends and family you will feel better”. “Take the help of those who have gone through the same thing as you and you will know your situation better”. “Don’t give up”. “Time is testing you”.

In the end, it’s all just on you. How do you want to handle your situation? How do you want to spend the rest of your time? How much do you want this situation to affect you?

No advice, no examples, no motivation, no motivator work on you if you are in that deep shit of your life.

You know what I think in such scenarios? I will not bear the consequences of what happened to me and not because of me, anymore. I will wipe my tears, start making the plans for my next step and would make use of the time even better than before. I will use the situation to my advantage and grow out of it victorious. It’s my life and this is how I want it. I will make time for the things which I enjoy and I will try to make the most if it.

I Don’t fit in your box

There are different kinds of boxes in our society. Some live in an unhappy marriage arranged by the family, some are unhappily doing the 9-5 jobs just for the sake of family, some are happy in their jobs but are in a box of their own routine, some are wasting their time away in meaningless activities in a box of recklessness, some achieve exactly what they want and are capable of, while some are still struggling to find out their real motive. But, we all do live in boxes, also we don’t fit into any one else’s box.

Everybody you meet has a different perception of you. They define you according to their own will and convenience. They assume, expect and shape you in their mind. If you break that assumption and at all try to become someone else that’s when you become bad. I have felt that way for so long. But I, I don’t fit in their box. I would rather step out of that box and in my own space shout, laugh or do anything that they think is not me.

Like there are billions and billions of faces in this world, there can be that many number of thoughts and perspectives of people. Then why is it that only certain kind of people are appreciated more and others not so much?

People who have been to the paths lead by their instincts usually turn out to be better than expected. Sometimes it’s the claustrophobic pressure of peers that comes in the way of your imagination and growth. We all are a little queer when it comes to having a personality, the identity in our own ways.

Life has its own way of telling when and where where you should stop that struggle. It’s own way of letting you know : enough with the resistance and enough of fights, that’s when you should just give up and may be take a step back and relax. Sometimes what comes after that is better than your expectations and sometimes it’s just bad. But my point is there is nothing you could have done to avoid that.

There have been so many scenarios in my life where I have compared myself with others thinking, people are so normal, others are so much better than I am and that has just made me more vulnerable, more miserable. There have been many sayings about the lemons and the lemonade of life, but believe me it’s not as simple as a lemonade it’s much more complicated and it’s a cocktail you never have heard of, it’s that!

When I was a kid I never thought I would be what I am today. The life never ever goes according to what you have planned, it goes like you don’t have any control in that.

You do get a choice once in a while like Harry Potter chose Gryffindor over Slytherin, but what a roller coaster ride it is after that you never know. Just enjoy it as much as you can and don’t have the wrong perception that you can control each and every aspect of the life.

I remember why I chose to become a doctor. I remembered that poem by Robert Frost-” The Road Not Taken”. Something about medicine field felt so interesting, different and worth spending life for. It felt like I should explore it. That decision making felt easy, but believe me the decision was not so easy. It’s not that what we do feels difficult, although it is but it’s more of a life changing decision for some people like me for many reasons. It’s more of like are you used to seeing people like that? Are you used to seeing such life as that. Because your mind takes it as unusual and reacts like red alert. (Haha) Some decisions like that shakes your life a bit.

When you decide to come out of that box you are on your own and that’s why many people are still afraid to choose differently. I chose my future like Harry Potter did, like Robert Frost mentions in his poem and many people do but that’s a conscious decision we have to make and we should be brave enough to deal with what comes next! Don’t shy away from making a totally unorthodox decision if that means you get to control what goes in your life.

My college life was a completely bizarre experience. Being a person from a lower middle class family and then dreaming of getting into a Government Medical College was a kind of a big bang of my earth. I was scarred and carrying a lot of baggages. I was insecure with my past, present and completely unsure of my future. I was surrounded by people with a strong background, reliable support and brought up with a strong mindset. I was on my own. I never actually told about this to anyone because at least I had to pretend to be strong. Being from a different background I always had a different outlook, so I became an underdog, that’s where I felt safe. I let go of people in the process because I didn’t feel comfortable with them, I let go because I couldn’t pretend strong any more, I let go because I needed help, I wasn’t the right person for them, I wanted to feel safe somewhere, atleast in friends where I am not judged, not made to feel different or atleast where my shortcomings can be overlooked, where I belonged, I could be accepted for who I was. I regret losing some but I have gratitude for those who I finally have. Little broken, imperfect and may not be great at anything but that’s who I am. I am a human being, still trying to figure out every single day what is right and what is wrong, still trying to figure out how to be a better friend, a better daughter, better sister, better doctor,better person everyday.

Now I am trying to go overseas for my further studies and I am yet again at the same spot where I was when I was beginning my medical career. I am still not sure where and what I am going to do and I am relying on my instincts and new friends for my new adventure.

So that’s how life is and can become if you come out the box defined for you. It’s unpredictable, uncontrollable and full of risks. And in return you get to play your cards when you want, how you want. A huge price to pay in exchange but I would say, still worth it.

My healing place

I used to wonder why some places make me cry. Why some places have that magical effect on you, as if it’s trying to consume you? As if it’s trying to take you away from all the negativities. Have you felt so drained and at the verge of giving up from inside that when the rays of sun fall on you, you feel some kind of healing, you feel like crying, you feel relieved. It’s that kind of feeling. My eyes full of tears, heart becomes heavy and I feel like some kind of healing power working on me. Have you ever felt the same? If so, where is that place? Where is your healing place?

I stand there alone, wishing if only I could share that joy with my loved ones. I wish if somehow they could feel what I feel at that very moment. I wonder how can a place which in any other hour of the day appears so normal, so usual can feel so different in other. May be they change for you, when you need them the most.

Would everyone else also feel the same as I do in such situation?? Is this place really only special to me or for others too?

God, if only I could spend some more time there, all my worries would vanish away.

It’s like that feeling you get when you hug someone and you feel so peaceful and relieved just by their mere touch, as if you can feel their love taking away all your stress, all of you away from all the noise, all the human attachments and you feel safe. So much similar to that, that you don’t want to leave them, you just want to feel that touch of love forever. Everyone should have that place , the healing place in this world. I know I have a few.

I have felt that way on beaches looking at the vast sea with the occasional tides rising, falling and the cold breeze touching my face. I felt it once more when I was on vacations in hills. I get that feeling everytime it rains, that misty view, that earthy aroma arising from falling of rain drops. Even the touch of rain drops is so soothing in itself. The silence, the nature and the beauty have that innocence which make you to confess all and leave behind.

I will tell you a little bit about one more place. The Balcony of my room which is on the fourth floor of the building becomes the healing place for me only at night time. The location is such, that although I can see traffic from there it’s still quiet. I can see people going about on the street, driving towards or away from their homes and I on the other hand stand still, just observing. I can feel the breeze on my face and you know that fragrance of night? I know, I know night does not have a fragrance. But my balcony has a night time fragrance which is just too soothing to my mind and body. That fragrance is familiar, I know that fragrance from all the hugs and all my other healing places. I know it sounds delusional, but believe me it’s true because even when I had first discovered this place I was feeling nostalgic. As if I am in the presence of something so familiar, something of my own.

Sometimes we become so involved in solving our day to day issues that we stop listening to ourselves. It’s the places like these that make you more aware of your body and how tired you are. I have heard myself better when I am there. I could feel the negative energy flowing out of me. It gave me some more energy and hope to hold on for some more time, it gave me clarity.

I don’t want to oversell it, but it feels exactly like meditation.

Sexuality

There are so many questions in our minds about the LGBTQ community. Why some people are seen or treated differently for what they are born with? Why so many beggars and prostitutes on roadside are from the population treated differently due to their sex?

Some norms prevailing around us which need enlightenment and corrections, to know how they became norms ? To know why a huge percentage of this world’s population is not free to express their sexual feelings.

Why some people laugh immediately when they hear gay? We all have this mental picture of homosexuals wearing certain kind of clothes, behaving in a different manner, dancing and begging for earning money. Some people also have a very confused kind of picture in their brains relating to their sexual preferences and misconceptions of the anatomical structure of their bodies. People laugh because they think of them as someone practicing a taboo. Some are worried that this will come on the way of procreation.

Who are included in the LGBTQ community ? LGBTQ stands for lesbians, gay, bisexuals, transgender and questioning ( those who are confused of their sexual orientation). Lesbianism is when a girl is attracted towards a girl. Gay is when a man is attracted towards another man.Bisexual is when someone is attracted towards both a guy and a girl and a transgender is someone whose gender identity is different from what they are born with. Sexual choices are personal and should come from within. Nobody can dictate you to like a particular kind of sex and hate a particular kind of sex.

It has been a very long journey for LGBTQ community to even accept what they feel and then, coming out has been a completely different challenge. It’s a challenge enough to even accept your sexuality which is considered a taboo. Some people live in denial, live the way they are expected to live, accept the way others want them to live. But why is this been so difficult for them? Why can’t everyone have freedom of expressing what they are?

There is this movie known by the name The Danish Girl starring, Eddie Redmayne and Alicia vikander. It’s based on a real life story of first recepient of sex reassignment surgery. It’s actually a love story of a husband and wife, both painters. Everything goes well until one day the wife, Gerda (Alicia) asks the husband, Einar ( Eddie) to dress up as a woman as she wanted to make painting of a woman.(fyi Eddie looks beautiful as a woman :)) And in this process Einar realizes how he is actually liking to dress up as a woman and then he starts dressing up as one. He starts to acknowledge what he always has felt for men around him, the feelings which are repressed from longtime. His wife initially feels betrayed by what he was becoming, from Einar to lili, but gradually we find out that she supports him in this whole process of coming out and embracing his sexuality. She is also there with him when he gets multiple surgeries which leads to his early death to physically become what he felt like all his life. All because she wants to atleast die as what she actually is- a woman.

Einar trying out a dress for painting.
Lili Elbe and Eddie in lili’s character in the movie.

Another movie by the name Elisa and Marcela talks about similar issues. Elisa and Marcela are two girls who find each other’s company in a school and become very close friends. They start developing feelings for each other which are not socially acceptable. They fight with the society all their life just to be with each other. Elisa even starts dressing up as a guy so the people start accepting their company. They love each other but since they are behaving against the so called normal of this society they are jailed, beaten up and forced to escape their place. I don’t know how is it anyone’s business what goes between two people inside a bedroom? How is it affecting your lonely life?

Elisa and Marcela
The wedding picture of Elisa and Marcela in the movie.

What do they go through? It is unimaginable to exactly define how they must feel like. Right from the time when our puberty hits us we start feeling attraction towards someone. We talk about our feelings. We talk about them to our friends. We talk about it to our parents. This whole process is filled with lots of emotions, beautiful memories and so much love to share. Now imagine on the contrary, if you tell about it to your friends, parents or even yourself and you are treated like a criminal. You are made to believe that you have done some heinous crime. You are made to dislike yourself. So much so that you start questioning your existence. There have been reports of suicides. There have been reports of crimes against them. There have been rapes. There have been murders. They are not given jobs at respectable places and forced to beg or go into prostitution for making money for living. Hence, creating a vicious cycle of denial, neglect, hatred, unemployment and mental trauma. In short, their life becomes hell because of this society for the mere inability to contain two people’s love in their tiny brains just because they won’t be able to give babies to this world.

Why is it so hard for people to accept ? Well, I think the reason is that for a very long time sex or love between two heterosexual people has been the only thing considered normal apart from the fact that some people are worried how our population will grow. So, all other kinds of sexual preferences are taken as a taboo.

Why so many people of LGBTQ Community end up begging around? They have nowhere to go!! Everywhere they go they are treated like an outcast. They are laughed at. People don’t want to be seen around them, so even friendship with them would be taken as absolutely abnormal. People feel embarrassed about giving them a regular job. So, they end up doing odd jobs.

What is the need of a sex parade? The sex parade is actually a parade to present how proud they are to belong to that community. It inspires, motivates other people to also come out and accept their sexuality if they have felt ashamed before. It is something that’s empowering them, as a group and kind of represents oneness in this huge world where they have always felt alone.

What is the solution? Actually the solution is pretty simple – accept people for what they are. Accept love of any kind. It’s love, how bad can it be ? May be if you think of them as someone who are created by god just as we all are… Now would you call them abnormal?? Would you question his creation or accept them for who they are? If you are worried about someone who is close to you and felt any of the things I mentioned, the least you can do is support them. If as a parent someone is worried for their kids just because they are not heterosexual then I would like to tell your relationship with them is unharmed by his/her sexual preference, in fact they would feel more open and safe with you only if you could understand them.

Tattoos

I am thinking of getting a tattoo on my finger and then may be on the nape of my neck. I am also trying to figure out how it must feel like. How painful it is to get tattoos on hands? Particularly fingers are filled with so many sensory neurons.

Adam levine

Why people get tattoos? Is it because it’s cool? Is it because it looks good? Or, is it because tattoos are marks of some memories, constantly reminding them of something important. Then I thought there are a thousand ways to do all this. Why go through so much pain? Why leave a permanent impression on body? Why not go for a temporary tattoo and change them everyday?

I feel sometimes people try to balance out between what’s going on in their heart, mind and what their body can’t feel. They balance out by causing pain to the body. The pain which they feel inside they want to feel on their body.

Pain demands to be felt. The feeling needs to be expressed. The tears that come out while we are in pain and the frustration that comes out as yelling sometimes, are the physical forms of what’s going inside, just like tattoos are.

Tattoos are something as intimate, personal as is the pain. Sometimes it is of utmost importance to keep it all to yourself just for some moments may be and know how exactly you are feeling, to process inside, express it in the most intimate manner, tattoos work exactly like venting out.

If you know Maroon 5, you would know who Adam levine is. And you definitely would know that his body is covered with tattoos. Each tattoo on Adam Levine’s body has a meaning and an associated memory. One tattoo for the place he was born in, one for his daughter, one for his lady love, one for his band, one for his puppy etc. Tattoos are an art form and if you think of them like that it’s just so profound. It’s like painting but just in place of canvas it’s your body.

I have seen so many singers have tattoos on their bodies. They look so cool. But just try imagining someone drilling thousands of tiny pores on your body! Like Adam Levine, Post Malone is also one of the singers who frequently gets inked. When asked from Post Malone, why he gets his face inked so frequently he answered- it’s cuz of his deep seated insecurity of his looks. He wants to cover his face with tattoos so that when he sees himself in a mirror he would like his face, thinking he looks cool. So here, tattoos are expressions of his insecurity.

Post Malone

If you know about the famous korean boy band BTS, you will be able to appreciate what I am about to share. I am smitten by hands of one of its member- Jungkook.(ahem! :)) His hands are beautiful. And on top of that he has got these tiny cute tattoos on his hands. It must be really important for him to get a tattoo for the Army (BTS fans are known as Army), a constant motivation for him to never give up and a reminder why he is working so hard.

” I always thought that I’m conservative, but when I saw Jungkook’s tattoos showing his beliefs since childhood and himself, my idea about tattoos changed a lot” said a fan.

“Jungkook’s tattoo is a blackwork tattoo but there’s one color in it as the point. It feels fierce so it’s impressive. For his hands, every tattoo has a different meaning.”- Tachi ( a professional tattoo artist)

“By showing that he has a tattoo, he broke the bad perceptions about tattoos.”- Andy ( also a professional tattoo artist)

Jungkook

These beautiful encryptions on bodies which are so appealing to the eyes, may be make your heart skip a beat sometimes are nothing, but millions of portals through which pain can escape, ooze out and may be relieve some.

Like tattoos, sad songs also function in the same manner. A beautiful- beautiful way to express pain, find solace, feel the warmth in the form of its lyrics, in the form of its music. It’s so wonderful how songs work for the listener, songwriter and singer in similar manner. As a listener I have related so many times to the sad songs. It’s such a great feeling to share with someone you have never known. To be able to share the same pain, emotions and become a part of an imaginary world of your own.

Some tattoos are drunken mistakes. Some commemorate important events. Mine will be a consciously chosen one, but definitely a special one. (Still having second thoughts)

If you have seen the movie “Guilty” starring Kiara Advani, character’s name Nanki, you must be knowing that she used to get tattooed so frequently. Nanki is quiet, secretive. She has a dark past. She is bold. She is creative. She is an amazing song writer. She is rebellious. She colors her hair with bold colors. She puts black kohl in her eyes. Dresses up like a tomboy. Her personality traits are the manifestation of what she is feeling everyday. She is not able to forget her past. She still feels pain from the time when she was sexually assaulted as a kid by her own dad. Her tattoos are the way of expressing pain.

The “Ekla chalo re” ( walk alone) tattoo across her chest
The safety pin tattoo on her right cheek

For some people tattoos show their rebellious side. For some, tattoos are a result of drunken impulsiveness. What I like the most is when it’s an expression of self narrative. When you can guess somehow what other person must be going through. It’s an attempt to share by those who are introvert, kind of a second language. It’s a cry in pain. It’s an effort to show internal wounds which are too hard to express by words. It shows the other, hidden, may be real side of someone’s personality.

Tattoos have become a form of expression of sexual identity, unity, allegiance, integrity in community like LGBTQ. Pink triangle badges were used by Nazi Germany to separate homosexual men, bisexuals, transgenders in concentration camps. Back then, a symbol of shame now, used as a proud identity. The 6 colored rainbow flag is also their pride symbol, each color having its own meaning.

The rainbow tattoo
The pink triangle tattoo

Love

I know, I know.. too cliched topic. I am gonna talk about lovers wala pyar. I am not talking about tik tok wala pyar( love you see in tik tok). It’s the saccha wala, shiddat wala pyar ( true love). Because secretly somewhere in our hearts we have a soft spot for it, admit it or not!

No one knows it completely, no one can accurately define it, it’s something that can only be felt. We all want to be loved by someone or love someone. Most of us want a partner to keep for lifetime with whom we can share our world, share our embarassing secrets. To whom you can show your naked soul, the complete you!

It’s something that’s been talked about the most. Poetries are written on love. But as much as of a truth love is, heartbreak and failure in love are also some bitter realities. In this process of finally ending up with someone of your frequency, you go through a number of heartbreaks, rejections. But this process makes you understand what you actually want from your companion, what is best for you. Those who give up in love after just a heartbreak, I would like to tell them, move on cuz someone of your frequency is still out there, this world is too vast and this life is long.

To people who are desperately searching for lovers and feel incomplete without them I would say, there are different kinds of relationships in life and all are special, putting the pressure of all the relations into one is a bit unfair. So give time and importance to your other relations too.

If you had a choice, would you get into something that’s not gonna last forever? If it’s true and you know it’s right for you I would say accept it with open arms. In real life your stories may not be perfect. They may not turn out to be good all the time. But if you have a chance to love someone whole heartedly who loves you back similarly I would say don’t miss your chance. I would say take this opportunity to love to the fullest. Some people may not even have that. It’s rare to find, if you find, stick to it for as long as you can.

If you have read the book or seen the movie ” The Fault in our stars” , you would know how the length of time doesn’t matter. If you have not seen the movie I will tell you a little bit about it. Augustus and Hazel are suffering from final stage of cancer. They met, fell in love. One day they find out that Augustus has few days left to live. So he asks his friends to read his eulogy infront of him, while he is alive. Below is the picture of eulogy which Hazel wrote for Augustus :

Open your heart for someone if it’s shut because of some reason. Take risks in love even if it means getting hurt or heart break. Believe it or not it’s all worth it!

Life is full of uncertainities, full of bad fortunes, full of hatred and can be filled with loneliness. Have someone with you who holds your hand in tough times, who makes you believe that the tough times are there but atleast you have each other. I mean that means something, doesn’t it?

Find someone who is okay with your craziness, who is not embarassed by your stupidity, who is accepting of your flaws, whom you can give the right to hurt you, who can embrace the real you and doesn’t restrain from being himself/herself infront of you.

Being in love is like being in any other kind of realtionship. You will have to work everyday to keep it alive, somedays will be tough and you will have to find the love in your relationship. Some days will be easy, dreamy, filled with love and laughter. Some days, you will have to work really hard to save what you have But in the long run its all about with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, whose hands you want to hold while crossing the streets, with whom you want to take the late night walks, someone you want to grow old with. I have attached below some of the most romantic lines from the book “the notebook” by Nicholas Sparks:

We all think of love as a secondary thing in our lives. We think about it in a very unnecessary way. We keep holding on and keep letting go of our chances in love, keep waiting for the “right” time even though it is one of the most basic requirements of our lives. Like the air we breath, the water, the food, you need someone to live your life with, you need love to feel alive, to go on in this life full of ups and downs. Still we give it such less importance, we don’t put our efforts to save it.

Before dying Augustus wrote the eulogy for Hazel for when she dies, as she wanted him to write. Below is the attached few lines which Augustus wrote in the eulogy for Hazel which he told about to her favorite author :

But these are someone’s fantasies, imaginations. I want to discuss the love stories we all have seen. The love stories in probably every household. The love story of moms and dads. The love stories of our grandparents. That love with blind commitment for life! Waiting for each other for meals. Helping each other learn new things without judging. Looking after the family. Putting the family’s needs above their own need. Sacrificing their own comfort just to keep others happy. Compromising on their needs to make each other comfortable. Yet, waking up everyday with the big smile to fulfill their dream of having one small happy family. Smiling for each other everyday to keep up the family spirit. Living the life which looks so boring to us and probably is also monotonous for them sometimes. Struggling through tough times together. Knowing each other’s shortcomings and laughing together on them. Having this unconditional, immense love, to share with each other and sufficient enough to share with their kids, grand kids. Fights are there but you know tomorrow they will be back to normal. Some arguments may remain but no grudges. I envy them. I envy these people who claim to live an ordinary life with someone. I envy, because it’s not ordinary infact, it’s extraordinary in itself. In this commitment-phobic world it’s difficult to find such thing.

He smelt of the sun, as if it had seeped deep into his skin, and I found myself inhaling silently, as if he were something delicious.( me before you)

A couple 60/65 yr, visited to the opd in the hospital I am working currently. The lady had come for her monthly medication for hypertension and diabetes. She also had hearing impairment, for which she was advised to get hearing aid machine. It was difficult to ask questions from her, for history taking. I had to shout to ask every question from her. Her husband heard from outside that I am facing difficulty to ask questions so he quickly came in and repeated everything I said twice/thrice politely to her wife. I had to get her chest x-ray done since she was also having some respiratory problems from few days. He brought her medications from our hospital medical store for her. Got all her tests done. They were in the hospital till my shift was over. I was standing on the bus stop waiting for the bus to come and I saw them crossing the street, that old gentleman holding his wife’s hand and leading her across the street, waiting for her to catch up when she is left behind. Wrapped his arms around her sometimes to hold her when she felt too weak to walk. That’s the kind of love I am talking about. That’s the kind I wish for.

I placed my face so close to his that his features became indistinct and I began to lose myself in them. I stroked his hair, his skin, his brow, with my fingertips, tears sliding unchecked down my cheeks, my nose against his and all the time he watched me silently, studying me intently as if he were storing each molecule of me away. He was already retreating withdrawing to somewhere I couldn’t reach him. I kissed him, trying to bring him back.(me before you)

In the movie ” the notebook”, Allie was suffering from dementia and Noah used to remind her of their love story every single day by reading to her their life’s story. They were old. He was healthy but he stayed with her in the hospital only to be with her everyday, to fulfill that silent commitment he had made when he started loving her. He stayed everyday in the hope that by the end of the day she might be able to recall everything by listening to their story. One day their kids came to visit them in the hospital and asked him to come home with them as their mother barely remembers them and Noah. He said ” That’s my sweetheart in there. This is my home now. Your mother is my home”.

This is the thing to live for, to actually stick to. Life is too short to complain and too long to be spent alone. Love while you can, love while you have someone!

Chaotic hero behind peace

This is about the fake peaceful lives we are living. I promise, by the end of this you will also accept chaos as the real hero of your lives. It’s an effort to make everyone realize the importance of havoc in our lives. The way the mass extinction of dinasours was important for our birth, the way a huge destructive and then constructive process was important for the origin of our planet.

Let me just start with giving a few examples in this context:

You see some beautiful places in pictures and you think inside your mind, oh wow! How I wish if I could go there!

You see a family where people are usually quiet and all grown ups, rarely complaining, abiding by the social norms.

You see a so called “perfect couple” the one which has always been social, never raised their voices against elders, got married “on time”, had kids “on time”, the eyecandies for our society. Sounds perfect, don’t you think?

You see a big flourishing city, richest one in the world, with an amazing night life, and I mean it’s pictures make you just wanna fly there, just for one day may be.

Do you think sometimes how wonderful it would be if there was no violence on streets, no protests, no fights, no arguments amongst people?

All these things I just mentioned above are utter BULLSHIT and if you felt even tinsy bit of happiness from all the things I mentioned above then I really-really think you are either living in an imaginary world or you are in love! Trust me on this!! Coz there is nothing like an “absolute peace” in this world and there SHOULD NOT BE ANY ABSOLUTE PEACE.

“It’s always been the chaos and you thought it’s the peace which brought this world together, which brought us closer”.

If we had peacefully accepted britishers ruling on our nation, thinking it’s for our best as they brought a certain kind of system into our nation, built some cities, employed some people we might not have gotten the freedom we enjoy today in our country.

The real trouble starts when you are tolerating something wrong, just to keep peace and avoid any kind of chaos. It starts with you thinking it’s causing PEACE.

You silently accept situations which are disturbing, which question your principles but that’s how our society wants it to be. You know what? This whole thing that our world has become, from education to employment is because of a system which we all are running unknowingly to sustain, to grow, to have a stability for procreation and prevent extinction of our species. This system which britishers brought with them to make us work effectively under their leadership, has stayed long after they left our country. It never changed because somewhere in our heads we all are pretending that everything is fine and nobody wants to go through this trouble of changing a 100 years of system even if that means our 100 generations rot in this cage like situation where we are tamed like animals and we cannot think beyond what we are “supposed to be doing”.

Our system is producing doctors, engineers, lawyers, accountants like a huge factory whose output is growing every year. And now this factory has grown into doing export and import work too, so these products now can go outside India or some can come from outside to do the same work. What a load of crap!! But you know what? Who cares as long as it’s giving us stability! Who cares as long as we are earning enough to sustain! Isn’t that right?

And if we ask, what about the kids who don’t want to become doctor, engineer or other kinds of robots they are producing? Umm, ahh, who cares? No one is complaining! Why should we bother? We are just going to look after people who are helping us run this grand business with such huge turnover!! Let them suffocate. We decide how they should live. We decide how they should dream. Can you think of peace now? We have been silent for long, quiet long enough.

We have thought of America as one of the most prestigious places, somewhere you would definitely want to go someday, many look upto them and some of us want to work there. In this gruesome situation that we are in today, all the nations are trying to save their people and America is the only one trying to save their economy first. And it’s not just the president who asked for no lockdown to save economy but the people came on streets protesting and asking for “no lockdown” as it’s affecting their fun lives. Not so good looking place now, is it?

You know there is a growing group of people in America and Europe known as anti- vaxxers who are actually against vaccination of children and refuse to accept any kind of vaccination! Not so modern now, are we? Oh, how we lost that hope in our minds to become as cool as these western people are. Uhh poor babies!! As I said, all “imaginary”.

One of the fastest growing economies China, started this COVID pandemic and blamed others for the same. And just to avoid the risk of becoming a news highlight, preferred to inform the world about the anticipated pandemic one month later than they found out. Pretend all you want, but you sure are bursted!! Keep your peace now.

In India, a big percentage of rapes, molestations, eve teasings are not reported by families because we don’t want to be seen differently by society. We want to pretend everything is fine.We want to fake peace. Even if that means their child dying everyday thinking of the same incidence. Even if that means their child commits suicide and leaves this world in silence. You like this peace and acceptance now?

A couple who got married “on time”, have had kids “on time”, blindly follow the orthodox thinking of elders usually fails to lead in their own life, in this ever changing world once their elders leave them. Because now on whom are they going to put blame, if they fail ? They fail to express themselves to the world, fail to accept their own truths and kill their own self just to make everyone happy. So does all this stability sound good ? In this world evolution is a fact, hence change of any kind is also a fact. The thinking we are holding on to today may not be valid after some time. So, adapt with the changes, accept and express as you are.

There are so many couples in this world who are trying so hard to make their marriage work, their relationship work even when they are not happy, even when being in that relationship means dying inside everyday. They have this notion of one everlasting love in their mind. I mean, I know there can be one everlasting love but what if you found the wrong person the first time? Can’t that be a possibility? What if your “the one”is still somewhere out there. Don’t pretend everything is just fine, make everything fine. You don’t have to finish this journey with someone you started it with. This ain’t a perfect world but your world can be better than you think if you could just approve of a little chaos. Even if that means breaking someone’s heart.

Time changes everything- that’s what people say, it’s not true. Doing things change things. Not doing things leave the things exactly as they are. (House MD)

No one likes people who are creating ruckus in our surroundings. No one likes the people who are protesting, breaking public properties, burning things, demanding change. I am not saying I agree with people who are killing people or for some stupid reasons destroying public property. I just want to remind everyone of the peaceful protests Mahatma Gandhi did and not so peaceful protests our other freedom fighters held. Both for a great cause, both resulted in welfare of masses. A chaos that was justified and needed. A chaos, that many did not approve of at that time and did not see to end well.

A long kept grudge resolves with a fight . A long kept hatred resolves with few arguments. A stagnant system changes into something new after you raise your voice. A routine inside you breaks into something interesting when you express your inner chaos.

Some hindi lines we all have heard of – “ye toofan se pehle ki khamoshi hai”(silence before storm). So that’s exactly what happens in our lives many times when everything looks normal, make sure if everyone is actually happy or everyone has become ignorant or become quiet pretending everything is fine. Be happy when it’s chaotic because toofan ke samay kya kahoge ki toofan firse aney wala hai? For that I will be like- “bring it on”!! I mean how much can a already destroyed heart be destroyed and how much can you more break something that’s broken into pieces. But once you come out of it you are a hero, you are a warrior and now you finally are in real peace.

“Andar hi andar ghutne se acha hai toofan macha do”. Bahar ka toofan sab shayad jhel bhi jaien par andar ka toofan tum akele jhel nhi paoge.

Its better to break something that is breaking you everyday, that makes you question your life. Even if that means no one approves of it, even if that means everyone around you is in chaos. Let them be. So go on and express your chaos. Burst into tears, get angry, burst into laughter, shout, complain, do something about it!!

JUST SOME GIRLY STUFF

Just some shi** I go through on daily basis”

Behenji ye dawai kaise Leni hai?” asks a middle aged woman in clinic. “Sister(as in nurse) ab dikhane kab ana hai?” asked a guy in his 50s. In OPD I asked a pateint “dikhane aye ho?” he answered turning to my male colleague “nhi doctor sahab ko dikhana tha”. In OPD I saw a patient who did not have any serious issues and gave him treatment for symptomatic management.He asked turning to my male colleague “ek bar doctor sahab aap bhi dekh lo!”.

You see it’s very rare that I am considered a doctor by most of my patients no matter how humble, knowledgeable or hard working I am. My girls who are selling feminism on social networking sites ( like Rahul trying to promote congress party in elections, pretending to care but he doesn’t give a tiny rat’s ass about our nation)give in on the demands of male coworkers, seniors and even sometimes juniors.. innately thinking “they are better than us”, choose “them over us”.

It’s not a very new practise that we are behaving like this, it is who we are now. This world “is” men loving, “is” patriarchal.

We being girls or women in India we keep fast for our husband’s long life, touch their feet cuz u know he is gonna provide bread and butter for the family… and “us” we don’t do much you know, we “just” play the most important role in their growth, in bringing life to this world, in nourishing the infants, in adding just a smidge of emotions to their fake stud life. We just work 24 ×7 for them as housewives. We are “just” the first ones to teach them love, care, sacrifice, tolerance… as mother, wife, grandma, nanny so our long life may not be of as much importance as of these dudes, we may not deserve as much respect as they do.

We have been quick to give in on their wish, stubbornness, ego.. coz that’s what we are taught you know “as they know better,they know more, always”. We being the “inferior ones” we “just”love them unconditionally.. so much so that we have let them treat us like that for like millions of years.. not caring if they respect us back, not caring if they value us above their ego.

Many women I know could not be sent to school coz the males in the house had to be educated. We followed that idiotic thing for a long time. We are forced to act against our will, our needs coz “that’s socially unacceptable”, don’t follow your heart coz “ we should follow the men”.

She can’t propose first coz “I am a man I should be the one doing it”. We can’t be open about someone we like or have crush on as we would be taken as desperate. We can’t be acting foolish around our crush coz you know, “people will notice, what will they say!”. I can’t be more happy or more sad around my man coz I will be called “a bloody attention seeker”.

We can’t have fantasies like men coz you know we are supposed to “think of that at a certain point of time, in a specific situation, in a  specific manner”.This “life sucking” society even has made a timeline for when we should be giving birth to babies.. 3 words for you all  —“Get a life”.

We have to suppress our anger, behave in a robotic manner, sit in a handicapped way, look like an inanimate barbie and on top of that eat like this insanely unreasonable stupid world wants.

People have not hesitated in assuming that the girl sitting on the chair donning that white apron and stethoscope around her neck cannot be more than a nurse, she cannot be knowing equal or better than the “man” sitting next to her even if “the man” is not a doctor.

That girl is in a professionally better position than me “she must be beautiful” or rich or it’s just that “she is a girl”. Oh, she got the job so easily she must be knowing people from inside. “How come she got promoted so fast?”she must be a slut. She passed this so easily, may be “no one’s tough on her”.

We “just” have to work twice as hard as you men to prove our worth. We “just” go through the immense turmoil of emotions coz of this estrogen loaded bodies..despite that, we “just” have reached equal and beyond you. We “just” work through it all you know menses, pregnancy, confusion, pain.. multitasking between work, home, children.

My issue is, I need to say all this to get a little bit of respect for who I am, for what I have worked my ass off to become from this men loving society is in itself the failure of this world which claims to have progressed from “sati pratha”.. coz what we as girls go through kills us every single day.

Physically we may not have been made as strong as you are but in all other aspects, I am born your fu**** equal and from there, we can start in becoming better or worse. But never prejudice, just because I am  born in a certain way. May be I should shut up and not take out all my anger like this as it’s a big deal enough that they have let us come to this world you know, sometimes they can just be such sweethearts!! And just one thing for my Girls, we really need to have each other’s back as that’s all what we can have for sure as of now!!

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